My God-Shape

I am mom-shaped. For the past 24 years, the mom-role has given me a shape, an outline, a definition. I have been Ian’s and Caitlin’s mom, a truth that has directed me and held me together. My life and thoughts have been consumed by their needs; by their past, their present, and their future. My hands, my head and my heart were full, and my function was clearly understood. All was good. But then it happened: they grew up. Ian and Caitlin are now in different places with new definitions and boundaries of their own. Raising independent children comes with a price. Now I am struggling to make the installments with no payment book: doling out a little sadness here, some depression there, maybe some loneliness, self-pity, feelings of abandonment, a little bit of uselessness. Bankruptcy looms on the horizon. How did this happen? What is my shape now? I must’ve had a shape 25 years ago, but I can’t recall it.

My shape feels fractured. A piece of me is breaking off but is hanging on, like a baby tooth hanging on to that last shred of gum. Sure, I can yank it out and get it over with, but that gum is so tender that I’m not sure I can bear the pain. There is a strange comfort in letting it hang on, putting off the pain, even though I know something new and solid will take its place; something permanent, forming beneath the surface, ready to emerge in its time.

Now is the time. Just yank it out….get it over with. I know that old baby tooth does not belong any longer. Leaving it in my mouth is unhealthy and will only cause more fear, daily snags and reminders of the inevitable. Be brave. Grab hold….or I can tie a string to the door knob if I must, the other end to that stubborn tooth. NOW…slam that door….break free. Yes, there will be pain, a little bleeding, a gap in my smile, awkwardness, maybe even a lisp for a while. But, God has always had a plan hidden beneath, waiting for me to give up and face the pain of letting go, revealing the newness: a new smile and a new shape; but not really new. It has been hidden, being reshaped, reworked, reformed and waiting to break through the surface at the proper time. Faith is required to believe the gap will be filled with something solid and permanent because right now, I just feel awkward, formless, and vulnerable, afraid to smile because I’m not sure who I am. “New” can be a good thing, but it takes time to adjust, even to goodness. God is only goodness and His shape for me can only be good, but only if it is HIS shape, not one of my own making, forced and unsightly. I can exhaust myself with striving and bending my own shape, or I can let go of the past, rest in His will and allow Him to provide my definition, my boundaries, my outline, which were really His all along. His plan is always best, even if for a while my smile is full of gaps and my speech if full of lisps and my shape seems undefined.

I must choose to smile. It does not come naturally at this point because the fear and sadness are still too near and too real. God can give me the strength to hope for goodness and claim it as my own for His sake. I must choose to remember during those times that I am in the process of being reformed; my smile is beautifully broken in anticipation of my new and emerging God-shape.